Tuesday, June 24, 2008

About a Fly.


The concern was real. Lukas was tired. He didn't need something like this to jeopardize his precious sleep. But there it was, big (gigantic really), loud and ugly.

We were getting Luke ready for his bath when it appeared, menacingly present as we lowered our boy into the tub. After a couple of annoying close range fly-bys, I realized what must be done. This behemoth was not going to make it into our son's room as we closed the door for the evening and put him down into his peaceful slumber. No, he could not be allowed to harass my little guy all night!
_
Thinking quickly on my feet, I grabbed an old magazine (most likely a catalog for kids products), and rolled it into a tight, rigid tube in my trustee right. Deprived of many manly pursuits since the birth of my son, my adrenaline level jumped as I prepared my body for what was to come. This was war. This was personal. This horsefly had to DIE!

In a brilliant first move, I grabbed the bathroom door and shut it almost without thinking. Yes, it was now to be a cage match between myself and my hideous opponent. I could sense that he also understood what this meant, as he did another fly-by to size me up. He must have realized that if he landed his life would be mine in one swift stroke of death, because he continued to circle the bathroom, hoping against hope that I would wear myself out first. But I played my hand in a different way, friend. Yes, I guarded that door rock solid, not flinching, waiting for my opponent to make his mistake. And make a mistake he most certainly would!

But he continued to bob and weave, light on his wings, after a while running on what must have been pure adrenaline. He was Frazier to my Ali, continuing to circle me, back and forth, looking for a knockout punch, while I hung out on the ropes and patiently waited for that moment when he would finally wear himself down. He would float like a butterfly, but I would sting like a bee.

After what seemed like an eternity he slowed. This was my chance. I would not let this opportunity pass me by. I raised my right, slowly. Trying to anticipate the very spot he would touch down so I have the death blow on the way a fraction of a second earlier.

I heard it at that very moment. The unmistakable sound of a window sliding open. Mrs. LIAYF tired of waiting and watching. How could this be? He did not hesitate. Seeing his life handed back to him, Frazier pivoted on a dime and made tracks for the open window, flying off peacefully into the night.

Leaving me there to ponder what might have been.

13 comments:

dan said...

Denied the blood that was rightfully yours. A tragic tale indeed

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Her actions are equivalent to castration.

You would be well within your right to go out and shoot a bull now.

Get what's rightfully yours.

SciFi Dad said...

Damn tree hugging hippies.

A man's gotta kill.

iVegasFamily said...

Your moment of glory interupted by the intelligent intervention of a mom. Bummer. I was hoping you'd smash the guts out of that fly. I hate flies.

morethananelectrician said...

Catching and killing flies is the one true skill that my wife acknowledges that I truely possess. I don't always have a weapon so sometimes my bare hands have to do.

I go with a motionless stance with my arms out to my side. My goal is to actually catch them and then end rid myself of their existence, but many time my hand acts like a tennis racket and they just end up smacking against the wall before I can go in for the kill.

Obviously, I clean wash myself after the melee, but my wife values my frog-like fly snagging abilities....except I don't use my tongue!

James Austin said...

@Dan - Right up there with the Bard in the tragedy dept, right? LOL.

@X - Ouch, castration. Let's not go there...

@Sci-fi - Easy big fella, that's my wife you are referring to. But yes, to kill is primal.

@Vegas - Yeah, I hate them too! Cool to find another fly hater...but yes, I would have ended up scraping the goo off of something, which is not as appealing as the kill. Cooler heads.

@MTE - I grew up on a farm, so I was once amazing at snatching them right outa the air. Mind you, these were not the big slow kind, but the quick little buggers.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Is there nothing left sacred in this world. You were robbed, my man. Robbed!

James Austin said...

Ed - There will come a time. oh yes, there will most definitely come a time...

Whit said...

That fly was just yellow. Plain yellow.

DC Urban Dad said...

I would not want to run into you in a dark alley. You are fierce.

James Austin said...

@Whit - yes, yellow. but if I were to have killed him he would have been red!

@DC - The fly knew better as well. I've got skills. lol!

BusyDad said...

haha!! I bet all guys reading this let out a collective OOHHH!!! What a buzzkill - or rather - a buzz NOT kill.

James Austin said...

BD - There most definitely will be a buzz kill if that fly returns. Thanks for stopping by.