Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Oh Yes, He'll Sing

In what appears to be an amazing case of dumb luck, I believe I have inadvertently stumbled across what may prove to be a major new tool in the war on terror.

We all know that torture to elicit vital information (tactics such as electric shock or water boarding), are not sanctioned by the Geneva Convention, and for obvious good reasons. Likewise, tactics that once were considered sure-fire ways to convince a combatant to 'give up the goods', such as bamboo shoots under the fingernails, foot roasting, or being slowly drawn and quartered, are neither sanctioned nor practiced by civilized nations in this day and age.

Of course there are other information gathering methods generally deemed more humane and acceptable than the above mentioned interrogation techniques. Sleep deprivation or playing loud rock music come to mind (Actually, this sounds like a typical weekend in our household). But even with these there is no guarantee that if a desperate situation were to arise, where timely information was of the essence, that vital information could readily be obtained.

But I have an interesting new suggestion. When faced with a situation requiring the most extreme truth-eliciting methods, the modern-day interrogator can set aside the Metallica discs, discard those bamboo shoots, empty out the tub of water and instead pull out a...


Yes, a diaper of all things. Based on recent research in our house, the mere act of changing a diaper can turn even the most even-tempered and pain resistant person into a writhing, screaming, kicking, and protesting subject who would do anything, or say anything (within personal limitations, of course) to get you to stop.

I know what you are thinking. "It seems so inhumane". But folks, I can assure you that it's not. The pain associated with this new method is not physical, but rather mental and should not result in any lasting physical effects.

That being said, I will need additional research to determine if there is any long term mental scarring associated to this act.
I'll post an update in, oh...about 25 years!


Diane said...

haha! Yes, that and the sound of a screaming baby is sure to work...

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! I think you're safe on the permanent scarring. However, from personal experience, and going with Diane's thought above, the torture can definitely afflict both the recipient of the change and the changer!

SciFi Dad said...

I think it's a boy thing. My daughter LOVED to be naked on her change table; she'd kick her feet excitedly the whole time she was uncovered.

The boy, on the other hand, shrieks like we're burning him with hot pokers or something.

Anonymous said...

My wife has perfected the leg press to accomplish this task. The screaming child is immune to her thigh being laid over them...attmepting to escape is futile. and screaming gets them no where.

They just flip over on me and I end up with a mess on my hands...literally!

James (SeattleDad) said...

@Diane - Yes, the screaming is torture on mom and dad for sure!

@Rob - Torture on us for sure, but we will be the ones to remember it!

@Sci-fi - Every kid is different I guess. Hopefully this is just a phase he is going through.

@MTAE - I have the same flippin problem! LOL.

WILLIAM said...

Just need to be careful to not get peed on.