Sunday, December 6, 2009

Loser Dad

Being the father of a fun loving 2-year-old who also happens to make the Energizer Bunny seem like he's on Valium, though taxing to my 40-plus year old body, does hold certain advantages.

I get plenty of opportunities to strap on a cape, along with Lukas, and practice my Superhero running takeoff. This will come in handy when the day arrives where I'm once and for all bestowed the power of human flight.

I am constantly traveling up and down my flights of stairs, be it to the basement, or to the upstairs bedrooms to grab that item which was missed but is sorely needed 'just in case' as we head out the door. If the elevators ever cease to function in this city, I will certainly leave many other unfortunate souls in my wake as I climb up skyscraper steps two at a time.

If deranged zombies ever rise up from their graves and attack Seattle, looking for scrumptious brains to feed their insatiable hunger, all my recent bouts of 'hide and seek' with Lukas will certainly have given us the skill to locate a safe place to wait out the bloody onslaught.

Say Mrs. LIAYF and I get into a major blowout - you know, the kind where I would be compelled to stand outside our bedroom window with a boom box held above my head until she came to the window and recognized how much I love her despite being a big dork - all that lifting Lukas onto my shoulders during walks should allow me to hold the box there until she finally determines I have suffered enough for my transgressions.

All of the getting out of bed in the middle of the night to calm Lukas should have prepared me well for those coming days of oldmanhood when I will have to be up multiple times during the wee hours of the night to empty my bladder.

All the wagon rides up and down the hills of Seattle with Lukas will have honed my technique in the unfortunate event that I ever fall on hard times and have to carry all my belongings along with me wherever I go.

If there are ever tryouts for a new reality television show called 'So You Think you Can't Dance', all the practice I have received over the past 2 years have perfected my ability not to dance with any semblance of rhythm.

Oh, and one other advantage of being the father of an active 2 year old...I have dropped nearly 2o pounds since becoming a dad. I am actually now hovering at around the weight I was when I graduated from High School nearly 25 years ago.

At this rate, I should be light enough for liftoff fairly soon. I just need to find a high enough cliff.


SciFi Dad said...

Not to nitpick, but I believe Fox already has a show about people who can't dance, although it goes by a slightly different name than the one you suggested.

ericdbolton said...

I've developed a power of cleaning the house on a moments notice when company is coming since having kids.

Living room, kitchen, bathroom. Perfect.

Our bedroom. Episode of Hoarders.

Slamdunk said...

Great stuff. I can relate to getting up mulitple times per night to deal with one kid or another. I had not thought of that as training for future bathroom probs--funny.

Anonymous said...

Interesting, I didn't realize this was all superhero training. I need to go fashion a cape.

FilmFather said...

Great post. The only superpower I seem to have gained as a father of two is the power to hear every word of a sibling conversation while they play in another room, and knowing when to step in before tempers (and hands) rise. Kinda like a mashup between Jamie Sommers' bionic ear and Peter Parker's Spidey-sense.

Mrs. M said...

The weight loss will allow your costumes to hang quite nicely on you when you begin your stint on So You Think You Can't Dance. :)

A Free Man said...

I hear you. Maybe we could market parenting a toddler as an alternative to a gym workout? Make millions.

DCUrbanDad said...

If you have a really big cape is it easier to take off?

Knatolee said...

Your little man is a powerhouse of cute-itude! I love his costume!

Steve said...

Who needs an expensive gym membership when you have a toddler!

So the 2-year old Lukas has your cardio-vascular workout sorted, but it gets better. When he's four and still into super-heroes, you can get a free muscle-building workout too. I spent this evening with my 4-year old son who was dressed as Superman and whom I repeatedly had to throw across the room onto the bed so Superman could fly. "One, two, three, Supermaaaaaan!" Repeat about 10 times to feel the burn.

DGB said...

Lifting my kids is sadly the only exercise that I get. That reminds me, I need to feed the little one more, she's too light.

Playstead said...

Just wait until you get asked to coach his team. Then you'll be chasing 10 of them. I understand why our parents had kids so much younger ...

If I Could Escape . . . said...

No fair! I've gained 15 pounds since becoming a mum!! What's up with that??

Ed said...

I bet Lukas finishes his meals! My excuse is that I'm batting cleanup for five finicky eaters. And peanut butter.

Chris Mancini said...

No one realizes that being a Dad does help you prepare for the coming Zombie Apocalypse. FINALLY someone points this out. Well done.

john cave osborne said...


real quick:

Say Mrs. LIAYF and I get into a major blowout - you know, the kind where I would be compelled to stand outside our bedroom window with a boom box held above my head until she came to the window and recognized how much I love her despite being a big dork

Say anything, right? in your eyes, correct? excellent reference and visual.

a few things here...doing anything that involves the hills of seattle will prepare you for anything. people don't realize that about seattle, or at least it seems they don't.

more importantly, it takes a true man to play with his child in the capacity in which you play with yours. brought a smile to my face. enjoyed this post a bunch.

Lady Mama said...

I need to start running up and down stairs! Because apparently running around after 2 kids all does not = weight loss (only running does that).

Yes, all the weird and good things we experience as a parent that we might not otherwise. You'll be ready for anything.

And, I think you should totally do that thing with the boom box outside the window! (And video it for the blog)

Irrational Dad said...

Being a dad is the single greatest thing in the world. Every sentence of your post reminds me of that very fact.

James (SeattleDad) said...

@Scifi - Really?, I need to sign up. I have no skilz.

@Juggling Eric - That is a great power to have. I have a bit of that myself.

@Slamdunk - Oldmanhood is coming soon enough. Great to have this training.

@PJ - Training? We, as dads, are already superheros

@Film Father - That is an awesome power. I am in the midst of developing that combination too.

@Mighty M - I would do better on SYTYCD with a bad fitting costume.

@A Free Man - Millions/ I'm in!

@DC - Harder to take off, but once you are up, better control.

@Knatolee - Ah, thanks. I think so too. He may kill me for it one day though.

@Steve - Brilliant! I need the muscle burn.

@Daddy Geek Boy - I'm with you on that. But am still burning the calories.

@Playstead - One at this age is taxing enough.

@Karen - You need more cape training. That should do the trick.

@Ed - 5? That would defeat me.

@Chris - I should write a book. Thanks for pointing that out.

@John - Yes, Say Anything and In your eyes. Excellent call.

Yes, Seattle has lots of hills. Good burn.

And thanks for the validation. It's nice to hear that, especially from a father of triplets.

@Lady Mama - Even a Zombie Apocolypse. Parenting is great training. And I might just have to do that boom box thing if Mrs. LIAYF and I don't get a break soon.

Joe - Thanks man! I love this gig.