Friday, June 4, 2010

Clone Chores

Are you like me? Do you sometimes wish that there were multiple copies of you, so that you could actually put a dent in all those time consuming tasks which seem to endlessly clutter your to do list?

Mrs. LIAYF and I watched the movie Moon a while back and it got me wondering: Wouldn't life be a heck of a lot less complicated if I had a storehouse of fully grown and ready to use SeattleDad clones on hand? Ones I could assign all the crappy jobs on my task list.

Wouldn't this leave me so much more time to savor and enjoy the pleasant aspects of life and of parenthood?

I know, I know - the technology doesn't exist yet. But hey, you're not in the business of crushing a tired father's dreams, are you? Because that would just be mean.

Anyway, here is my list of the top 10 tasks I would assign to a SeattleDad clone:

10. Dishes/laundry/Trash- Ah yes, the relenting tasks of maintaining a household. Every time you turn around there they are, staring you in the face. Most of the time I feel like I'm just plugging a hole in the dam. I would probably need to assign at least a couple clones to handle these duties.

9. Cleaning the Litter Box - I barely tolerate our cats when I'm not cleaning up their filthy waste. If there was ever a job for a clone, this is it.

8. Applying sunblock to Lukas - He is nearly 3 and incredibly squirmy . I'm nearly too exhausted to venture outside after finishing an application. The perfect job for a fresh clone.

7. My job - This easily could have been #1. Just think of all the free time I would have while one of my clones punches the time clock at work. Plus he would essentially be me, so he should have no problem looking stressed and busy.

6. Paying the Bills - I could have one of my clones take over this household job, thus freeing up Mrs. LIAYF to make me coffee, rub my shoulders, fluff my pillow, that kind of thing. Or, I could just get another clone do those. But that would be a little weird, wouldn't it?

5. Commenting on other blogs - This job is a huge time consumer. One of my wittier clones could be assigned to this task 12 - 15 hours a day, thus exponentially expanding my social network.

4. Wrapping gifts - Of course these would only be for Mrs. LIAYF, since she is the one who lovingly completes this job for everyone else. I would say that given several months to achieve this with nothing else to do, even one of my lazier clones should be able to wrap an unwrinkled gift for her by Christmas.

3. Sherpa Duties - It would be great to take an extra clone of me along whenever we go out. That way HE can carry the heavy bag and other gear while I schlep around a frosty iced coffee instead.

2. Finishing crappy movies - Has anyone seen The Accidental Husband? How about Pineapple Express? It would have been terrific to tag a SeattleDad clone about 15 minutes into either of those train wrecks and let him wait there like a moron for them to 'get better'.

And finally...

1. Wiping butts - Sure, Lukas is nearly fully potty trained, but I have who knows just how much longer I'm going to have to stare into the Eye of Sauron while he's doing downward dog after his business. Better to have a clone take care of this job until the danger completely passes.

There you have it. How about you readers? What tasks would you like a clone of you on hand to take care of?


Kori said...

Totally easy answer for me: laundry and parent teacher conferences, and driving kids everywhere.

EdathomeDad said...

I would love to have a clone. He could have climbed on the roof and re-tarred it's twice in a month instead of me. Also, the rest of the house could be renovated. Just stay out of the bedroom clone.

ericdbolton said...

The social networking one is genius!!!

Just remember.. Don't make a clone of a clone, they're a bit on the liability side..

SciFi Dad said...

'Tis a fine plan, until one of them climbs into your bed one night while you're out watching a baseball game with the guys.

WeaselMomma said...

Driving to and from kids sport practices and grocery shopping would be on my clone list.

I need a staff. An entire staff of payed servants so that I can have time to do the blog reading that I want to.

Mrs. M said...

I love #5. How about a clone to deal with the kids when they are having major tantrums or bad days?

Juli said...

I'm OK without the clones...most who know me say one of me is enough. However, I could use a few extra minions to carry out my more diabolical plans.

Anonymous said...

Massaging yourself turns creepy when "it" moves.

Captain Dumbass said...

If you figure out the cloning thing please let me know.

Anonymous said...

9, 5 and 1 were the best and I completely agree. Although... I have to disagree with your bash of Pineapple Express which was hilarious even though I'm not a stoner... but what can you expect out of a Mariner fan.

I kid, I kid.

If I had clone technology I would use it to clone my wife to do some of the "tasks" I ask of her she's less than willing to do most of the time.

Keith Wilcox said...

I don't know what I'd do with clones, but I'm definitely with you on the commenting thing :-) It's not like I don't enjoy reading, it that to read them all takes way too long and I can never remember which blogs I'm supposed to visit and when. There are too many to keep up with. Other than that, I suppose the sherpa duties sounds like something I could do without. Perhaps I'll have to think about it and make my own list.

Slamdunk said...

Creative posts and I am all for the clones as well. Last year the sunblock application was quite a wrestling match. Fortunately thus far, one year has made a world of difference.

Anonymous said...

Clones would be sweet. I'd also send mine to homeowners association meetings. BTW, thanks for the heads up on Pineapple Express. Deleting from Netflix queue now.