Sunday, September 19, 2010

Thug 1

No One Touches the Ship, Capish?

It would seem that I've now been designated as Muscle.  A nameless but necessary tag along for my 3 year old son. If you have ever seen any movie or television crime drama sporting a bad guy you will recognize the character to which I'm referring.  I'd be one of those two or three dudes that silently stand behind the headlining character. The one who is looking to 'accumulate' things.

If the credits were to roll on my recent outing with Lukas, I'm pretty sure I'd be listed as: Thug 1.

If I happened to be interviewed about that outing it might go something like:

"Yeah, we were working a three year old birthday party Saturday night at a local play center, and the Boss wants me there in case there's some trouble, ya know.  Well, everythin' seemed to be goin' fine and all when, outta nowhere, this other little dude from a rival family tries to grab the Boss's Pirate Ship.  Words were exchanged and all of us guys were reaching inside our jackets for our pieces (Reese's), when cooler heads prevailed.  Good thing too, cause things coulda gotten messy in a hurry."

The above mentioned incident did, in fact, take place.  After the said commotion had ended Lukas' will had prevailed and he ended up with the Pirate Ship in question.  But then, not 5 minutes later, he decided that he was going to move on and play with something else. 

Enter Thug 1.

"Guard this Daddy!" came the command as I was catching up with another parent.  I looked down to see the ship in question rising towards me.  And, as I took a moment to finish my thought, I heard another "Daaaaddddy?"  Apparently I wasn't responding quick enough (a mistake that could have serious repercussions given my role).  I looked down to find him holding the pirate ship over his head ala Cusak and his boom box in Say Anything.

"Got it buddy" I responded grabbing the ship.  Although the other boy was currently no where to be seen, one couldn't be too sure.

Then a little while later, having now successfully proven my worth, I was once again entrusted with an important assignment.  Mrs. LIAYF had come to take him to the bathroom in anticipation of the party soon ending.  But before he went, I was entrusted with not one, but TWO Buzz Lightyears to "Guard". 

Given my newfound role, what I really wanted to do was go and stand in front of the bathroom door, sunglasses on, and with my legs spread shoulder width apart and hands cupped in front of me at crotch level (they must teach that move in 'muscle' school) , but I decided that might look a bit on the strange side since I was still holding a Buzz doll in each hand.

So, I moved to a sidewall to prevent a move on the toys from behind.  A quick glance of the room revealed only one suspicious looking Mom.  However, I quickly squashed any sinister ideas she was cooking up with a measured stare in her direction.  The toys would be safe from rival families.

Sure, Thug 1 may be nameless, but he's good at his job.

14 comments:

SciFi Dad said...

Either that, or he's preparing you for your bigger role as his drug mule in a few years.

Slamdunk said...

Sounds like a good role for you. Perhaps, you'll think up an appropriate nickname like Rocko or Bone Crusher for extra intimidation.

Lady Mama said...

At least now you know what you can go as for Halloween.

Didactic Pirate said...

Better being the Muscle, than the Minion. Which is how my daughter views me, I'm pretty sure.

OM said...

You hold on to the toys and keep quiet! Fathers are meant to be seen, not heard!

Mighty M said...

Haha! Nice job!

Eric said...

Please be careful of being typecast..

morethananelectrician said...

Maybe in the years to come you can get paid with something more substantial than Froot Loops.

handstowar said...

I'm with the Didactic Pirate... better the muscle than the minion

Otter Thomas said...

I think I am a slave so I woul dmuch rather be the muscle. I like the metaphor. The kids just keep us around because we are big. When they are big enough we are no longer needed. It fits.

johncaveosborne.com said...

i'm not sure which i like more -- your extremely clever analogy or the flawless lloyd dobler reference.

excellent all the way around. LOL on the buzz lightyear in both hands.

Keith Wilcox said...

Protecting toys is a vital part of being a dad. Buzz lightyear both hands over the crotch. Glad you thought about that ahead of time :-)

By the way, how come you don't have the name/url option anymore for comments?

Knatolee said...

A smart little boy to employ such excellent muscle!

PJ Mullen said...

If you keep up the good work maybe one day he'll make you consigliere.