|It has Wings!|
Things started promising with a repeated buzzing in my pants. However, they went south quickly once I unstraped my seat belt to pull my cell out of my pants pocket.
"Hi Honey" Mrs. LIAYF started off. We were both on our way home from downtown. She had Lukas with her. "I missed the turn off to the viaduct, and now I am stuck in bumper to bumper traffic." And then she threw in the kicker. "I need you to stop by the drug store. I am out of girly things."
"Come again?" I responded.
"You, know, girly things. I need them and am asking you if you will stop and pick them up for me."
Now, I consider myself a good husband and father, a modern man. But, I have to be honest, few things bother me more than being asked to pick up feminine products. The thought even crossed my mind that her birthday was now officially over.
"Uh......sure" I sort of grumbled. I may not like it, but I will always come to her aid. It was then that she started rattling on about absorbency, and wings and all sorts of things that made my mind effectively construct a sound proof box. "Yeah, I think I've got it, but I'll probably have to give you a call." I ended the call with 'that's just wrong' running a loop through my mind.
But hey, I love my wife more than my male pride so I pulled up to the store looking for a way to come out of the place with my dignity still in tact. But when I got to the aisle in question, the girl things she asked for were not obviously there in front of me. I stared at all the 'options', my notions of grabbing the items on the fly while still moving having been dashed.
I started to sweat a bit as a young mother holding a toddler passed by a couple of times making it obvious that she was waiting for me to leave before she stopped and made her selections. Partly because I was not finding what I was supposed to pick up and partly because I didn't want the mother to think I was an old creep hanging out in that aisle, I called Mrs. LIAYF and as the mother passed by said "I AM NOT FINDING WHAT YOU ASKED FOR" loud enough for her to hear me.
After that, with my wife's help, I was able to find what she needed. But then I realized that there was no way I was going up to the check out with just the feminine products. I needed cover items! But what did we need? Things started racing through my mind.
I realized that those would not be the best combinations. But then I started to get better ideas. Overnight diapers and wipes. Ibuprofen. Mrs. LIAYF had also mentioned that we needed batteries. Those things would surely provide adequate cover.
In the end they did, but it probably didn't really matter as the clerk didn't even give me a second glance. It seems that no one really cares if a middle aged man is buying personal items for his wife.
Releived and arriving home the conquering warrior, I waited for Mrs. LIAYF (who had made it through traffic) to greet me as her savior. Her knight in shining armor. Instead I got a nice "Thank you" followed by "Lukas is on the potty. Can you go and wipe him?"
As I approached, he jumped on the toilet, smiled, and bent over in front of me. But as I reached for the paper I was, of course, greeted by an empty roll.