Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Girly Things

It has Wings!

Things started promising with a repeated buzzing in my pants.  However, they went south quickly once I unstraped my seat belt to pull my cell out of my pants pocket.

"Hi Honey" Mrs. LIAYF started off.  We were both on our way home from downtown.  She had Lukas with her.  "I missed the turn off to the viaduct, and now I am stuck in bumper to bumper traffic."  And then she threw in the kicker.  "I need you to stop by the drug store.  I am out of girly things."

"Come again?" I responded.

"You, know, girly things.  I need them and am asking you if you will stop and pick them up for me."

Now, I consider myself a good husband and father, a modern man.  But, I have to be honest, few things bother me more than being asked to pick up feminine products. The thought even crossed my mind that her birthday was now officially over.

"Uh......sure" I sort of grumbled.  I may not like it, but I will always come to her aid.  It was then that she started rattling on about absorbency, and wings and all sorts of things that made my mind effectively construct a sound proof box.  "Yeah, I think I've got it, but I'll probably have to give you a call." I ended the call with  'that's just wrong' running a loop through my mind.

But hey, I love my wife more than my male pride so I pulled up to the store looking for a way to come out of the place with my dignity still in tact.  But when I got to the aisle in question, the girl things she asked for were not obviously there in front of me.  I stared at all the 'options', my notions of grabbing the items on the fly while still moving having been dashed.

I started to sweat a bit as a young mother holding a toddler passed by a couple of times making it obvious that she was waiting for me to leave before she stopped and made her selections.  Partly because I was not finding what I was supposed to pick up and partly because I didn't want the mother to think I was an old creep hanging out in that aisle, I called Mrs. LIAYF and as the mother passed by said "I AM NOT FINDING WHAT YOU ASKED FOR" loud enough for her to hear me.

After that, with my wife's help, I was able to find what she needed.  But then I realized that there was no way I was going up to the check out with just the feminine products.  I needed cover items!  But what did we need?  Things started racing through my mind.

Beer?  Chips?

I realized that those would not be the best combinations.  But then I started to get better ideas.  Overnight diapers and wipes.  Ibuprofen.  Mrs. LIAYF had also mentioned that we needed batteries.  Those things would surely provide adequate cover.

In the end they did, but it probably didn't really matter as the clerk didn't even give me a second glance.  It seems that no one really cares if a middle aged man is buying personal items for his wife.

Releived and arriving home the conquering warrior, I waited for Mrs. LIAYF (who had made it through traffic) to greet me as her savior. Her knight in shining armor.  Instead I got a nice  "Thank you" followed by "Lukas is on the potty.  Can you go and wipe him?"


As I approached, he jumped on the toilet, smiled, and bent over in front of me.  But as I reached for the paper I was, of course, greeted by an empty roll.


WILLIAM said...

Behind every good women there is a man who silently does all the work and lets the women take credit for it.

Ed said...

Beer is always a good cover item.

Anonymous said...

Finding out the kind of girly products my wife uses was one of the best things I ever did. It allows you to know exactly what you're looking for.

I've also found it good to 'scout' your local grocery store so you know their exact location as well, which helps you avoid that momentary awkwardness staring at tampons and pads as other women approach.

I firmly believe they should just put them in the beer aisle. But nevertheless, I still use the self-checkout option.

SciFi Dad said...

Reading your list of cover items reminded me of that Simpsons episode where Homer buys illegal fireworks and comes home with a bunch of weird stuff and Marge says, "I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, but count me out."

ericdbolton said...

YES.. to SciFi Dad!!

I'm to the point where I don't even have to ask what kind she needs.. She tells me she needs some and I'm on it.

I do wonder what the younger girls and women think when they see me in the aisle moving different packages looking for the right one.

Helga Marie Bee said...

your posts always crack me up.
I guide my husband by color.. but still I know it makes him uncomfortable!!!

Thank you for always keeping it real!!!

James (SeattleDad) said...

@William - Man's got a point.

@Ed - I thought it too much of a contrast.

@MillenialDad - I would try to memorize, but if its a double edged sword. If I knew, then I'm sure I'd be asked more often. Tough call.

@Scifi - Hahaha. Sounds like a great episode. Love the Simpsons.

@Eric - They are probably hoping you will leave, much like the young mother I was interfering with.

@Elle - Color is exactly how I got one of the products. The other, I was having real issues finding until I looked down the ailse. Though it was the same brand, it was a good half ailse away from the others. Confusing as hell.

Thanks for the comments. Glad you are reading.

Steve said...

I know that feeling. Standing in the aisle trying to look nonchalant as you inwardly curse the fact you can't see it.

Didactic Pirate said...

Good man. You love your wife more than your pride. Nicely said.

My wife has actually never asked this of me. She knows that I'd do it, but she also knows that I'd inevitably buy the wrong kind, no matter how clear her instructions. Absorbency, wings/no wings, too many specific for me to keep straight.

Mrs. M said...

Well done! :)

Papa K said...

Very well written brother. Very funny.

You know... I've never been too bothered by having to buy feminine products. I mean... they're obviously not for ME!!

Lady Mama said...

Oh that made me laugh! I can just picture it. And you know, the amount of options for those girly things with wings (ha, that rhymes), is INSANE. It's like buying toothpaste or shampoo. Good for you for coming to your wife's rescue.

Rachael said...

I do the same thing as Ella Bee - describe by color! You know what I think is funniest though? When I need girly things, I find myself buying cover items too, even as a woman.

john cave osborne said...

i loved this.

of course, i'm a sucker for any post that begins w/ Things started promising with a repeated buzzing in my pants.

and having lived in your fair city, i know exactly what a pain in the ass, traffic-wise, your wife was stuck in.

still don't make it right to ask a brotha to pick up tampons.

but, at least she greeted you as a knight in shining armor. my question is this: did you gallop up on a cotton pony? (sorry -- couldn't resisit!)

great post, buddy.

Keith Wilcox said...

HAHA! A twist ending! Apropo! This reminds me of a few jokes which I cannot repeat in good company. Hmmm.

Well, I had to stop a few months ago for my wife's girly things. But, unlike you, I didn't call her when I got stuck. I said to myself "what's the difference, who cares?" and I bought something that 'seemed' right! You're lucky you called first because I got sent back to the store! arghhh. Double humiliation.

James (SeattleDad) said...

@Steve - The pressure builds as the time ticks by.

@Didactic - I envy you.

@Mighty - Thanks.

@Papa K - Yeah, that is the one thing though that still bugs me.

@Lady Mama - I know, I was all 'Damn those are going to be hard to find!'

@Rachael - Hahaha. Too many creepy old dads looking in your basket?

@JCO - I only hoped for the Knight greeting. Thanks man.

@Keith - Oh, that would be a much bigger mistake. You poor man.

Knatolee said...

The mark of a truly wonderful husband is his willingness to pick up "girly things" for his wife. Good man!!

Anonymous said...

After stocking that aisle for 6 years between high school and college I'm a bit unphased by it. When I get that call I usually just ask "what color is the stripe on the box again". They definitely need package those things better so it is easier to distinguish which is which.

James (SeattleDad) said...

@Knatolee - Thanks. Like I said, I don't like it, but I'll do it.

@PJ - The end result probably made it easier for next time. Thanks for stopping by and giving all the comments.